Anger and Forgiveness

*trigger warning*

*childhood abuse discussed*

*Please Do not read if you are sensitive to such topics*

I am tucked in bed for the night and reflecting on my day.  It was a good day.  By our standards, a successful day.  Everyone made it to every appointment and every medication/ treatment was given/taken.  I caught up on some bills and set aside some funds for a rainy day.

Rainy days...  they always come as a surprise, seldom welcomed.  But lately, the rainy days I’ve been experiencing have been like large stinging, cold raindrops in the dead heat of summer.  Every drop delivering a cold sting of instant short lived relief.

In all my 40 plus years of dealing with Childhood trama, I have never dealt with the floods of anger I have felt lately. And with every flood of anger, like those cold raindrops in the summer heat, there is relief. That is because with every flood of anger that has washed over me lately, the misplaced guilt of my childhood had started to leave.  As I begin to look at everything that happened to the child I was through the eyes of the grown woman I now am, perspective has begun to change.  It is like the storms of anger have washed my eyes of the guilty film they were seeing through.

I lost my mom not too long ago.  She was my best friend, my confidante,  my largest supporter.  In every area but one.  See when everything came out about my trama, many people decided it was best for the family and all involved to let it go and keep it all quiet.  As a child, I saw their viewpoint and agreed.  As a grown women with children of my own,  I am angry!  I am angry that no one got angry, not angry enough to do anything. Not angry enough to make sure I was safe. Not angry enough to keep the aggressor away from me.  Not Angry enough, Not angry!

I am ANGRY!  I am angry that when details were shared that things happened as far back as toddlerhood, no one batted an eye! No ONE.   I’m angry that I am not the only one!  I am angry that I was 12 when I had to decide to “sweep it under the rug!”  I am angry that for over 30 years, I have carried guilt over every possible future victim that may have followed.  I carried the guild of those that were before me!

I know of a woman that carries the guilt that their aggressor ended up murdering her best friend after she moved away.  She was a child!  No control over where she lived.  Definitely no control of some creep who was so sick in the head that he would touch a child, he murderded someone.  I pray for the day, she can let the storm of anger well up in her and release the guilt she carries.

I know that my PTSD from my childhood is here to stay.  But I am so very very thankful for  all
those that have walked into my life to help me through the rough spots.

I am ANGRY!  And through this new found anger I am feeling, I am learning to forgive others and most of all,  I am learning to forgive me.