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The following is an excerpt from my new book currently being written entitled, “The Memoirs of Victoria Rose.” I always cherished the vows made on my wedding day, ‘Till death do us part’ and all that is sacred.  I never dreamed that I would one day want to stray outside my marriage.  Never, Ever, in a billion years would I cross that line. But I found my mind wondering.  I was longing for the touch of another man.  I love my husband dearly.  He is my best friend.  But he has been sick for a long time.  Before that he had already started battling ED.  We tried to work around it with medications that didn’t work, pumps that didn’t work, and toys that may work but aren’t the real thing.  He became more and more frustrated with the ED that he finally quit trying to connect in that way.  Our intimacy was gone.  The door to any exploration was locked.  And I was left void.  Longing for touch, intimacy, closeness, and let’s be honest, just plain sex, I found my mind wondering. When I f
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Phobias

I have touched a little on my anxiety in a previous post.  It is crippling at times. It is a forever struggle to try and maintain a balance. Some days, I feel like I can go out and conquer the world only to have it come crashing down as soon as I leave my house. Anxiety can be a gripping, binding, controlling, and a downright cruel beast. There are various degrees our anxiety affects us. Everyone knows the feeling to some degree.  Everyone has had that speech they have had to give, or  music to perform. Or perhaps your only anxiety you ever had was asking that special someone out for the first time, or their hand in marriage, or awaiting the birth of your first child. We have all been anxious at one point or another. But not everyone can quite understand when anxiety is so high, it effects every fiber of our being. It is hard for them to understand and phrases like, “Just get over it” or “Just do it” come out of their mouths. My favorite it “You’re overreacting “ and “Oh, You, You ar
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Anger and Forgiveness

*trigger warning* *childhood abuse discussed* *Please Do not read if you are sensitive to such topics* I am tucked in bed for the night and reflecting on my day.  It was a good day.  By our standards, a successful day.  Everyone made it to every appointment and every medication/ treatment was given/taken.  I caught up on some bills and set aside some funds for a rainy day. Rainy days...  they always come as a surprise, seldom welcomed.  But lately, the rainy days I’ve been experiencing have been like large stinging, cold raindrops in the dead heat of summer.  Every drop delivering a cold sting of instant short lived relief. In all my 40 plus years of dealing with Childhood trama, I have never dealt with the floods of anger I have felt lately. And with every flood of anger, like those cold raindrops in the summer heat, there is relief. That is because with every flood of anger that has washed over me lately, the misplaced guilt of my childhood had started to leave.  As
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As Seen On TV

As seen on TV..  I can’t help it..  Those 4 words draw me over every time!  If I haven’t tried it, I know someone who has.  My son was born with this gene as well.  From a young age, he would ask for the strangest things for Christmas and for his birthday.  The Sham Wow,  The Pizzazz, “Set it and Forget it”..  One year all he wanted was a Ginsu ceramic knife. No way was I getting a 6 yr old a Ginsu knife for Christmas.  Somehow, he talked my mother in to getting it for him.  You know why a 6 yr old wants a Ginzu knife for Christmas?  So he can regift it to his mom.  I still have have it in the original package.  A memory I will always cherish.  My mom passed a away almost 2 yrs ago.  She and My son were partners in crime always. Now, just the other day, I saw this ASOTV item that is supposed to make your smile perfect.  The picture looked feasible enough.  I am in between dental procedures so I thought, Sure, I’ll give it a try.  I know beyond a shadow of a doubt my mother was laughi
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Stuff!

We’ve all heard the commercial...  So much stuff, not enough space... It echos in my head.  I hold on to things.  They are my memories.  Just like the pictures I take, almost every object I own have a distinct memory attached to it.  Sometimes it is just the place and time it was purchased.  Or who was with me when I bought it. Some things have been handed down or have been gifts.  I still have this stupid little plastic “trophy” that I received in 4th grade.  I came in second place in a reading contest.  Everyone knew they wouldn’t beat the person who won first, but I was gonna try!  I tried so hard that I even cheated.  Yep!  I keep a trophy I won by cheating.  Well,  I won second place fair and square but after I secured my place, I passed my numbers with reading the first and last chapters along with the back covers of  about a hundred books.  I could have read them but I had family responsibilities beyond my years.  So, I hold on to this stupid plastic Monkey trophy from 4th gra
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Have You Ever Wondered?

When I was little , I loved to read.  It was my escape from my reality.  My favorite books to read at times were the ones where you could rewrite your steps and pick different paths.  I wanted the best for my characters.  I wanted them to have great memories and great lives.   I wonder what life would be like if we could go back to page 5 and pick B instead of A.  Or if life were like playing the popular board game where you pick a career or collage and move around the board making choices.  Win or lose, you can always play again and make different choices.   I have decided to stop wondering what it would be if I’d picked a different choice and start making them.  I am stepping out of my box and going to see what my anxieties have been keeping me from.  I want to spread my wings and fly like I have always dreamed I could.   Ok, back to reality!  I really do want to fly and step out of these chains of anxiety that bind me.  But the problem is what do I do?  See Anxiety has
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Time gets away from you!

It has been almost 7 years since I wrote the 4th of July post.  It was such a rough time in our life’s. I even forgot to hit the publish button.  Or maybe I didn’t.  Maybe at that time in my life I was afraid to speak out on how mental health issues effected our lives.; And how medical issues effect our mental health.  Maybe, I just got too busy being a family.  Whatever it was, we had been through a lot of ups and downs. I ended the last blog with a note about counseling.  I cannot stress enough to find a counselor.  For your self, for both of you as a couple, for your family.  Find what you need and do it.  I don’t think we would have made it this far if it wasn’t for a few amazing people to talk us down and give us perspective.  See, I have PTSD as well. It may not be from military but that fight or flight response still as strong as it was 30-40 yrs ago.  Triggers slap me in the face when I least expect it.  I have gone many years without a trigger then, BAM! Like it just happe
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